1-800-ASK-JESUS

(I wrote this skit for a community event 10 years ago. I still think it’s really funny.)

(Nathan stands on stage left in a pool of light, pacing)

NATHAN: I have got to get a new job.  What am I going to do?  Wait a minute, I saw that infomercial, oh, what was it?  (sings) 1-800-ASK-JESUS!  That’s it!  Jesus will have the answer! (Nathan pulls out his cell phone and dials the number.  Puts phone up to his ear.)

ROBOVOICE (over speaker): Thank you for calling, (sings) 1-800-ASK-JESUS.  Your prayer is important to us.  Please select from the following options:  To repent, press 1.  (Nathan does nothing for a beat) To repent, press 1. (Nathan looks a little confused by the repetition) To repent of the argument that you had with your mother, press 1. (Nathan looks shocked and more than little convicted, presses 1 on the phone) If you’re going to call her later to apologize, press 1.  If you think that this time you owe her flowers, press 2. (Nathan presses a number on the phone) You should really buy her flowers. Please press 2. (Nathan looks shocked, presses number)

NATHAN: Wow, they get really specific!

ROBOVOICE: Main Menu:  To praise God, press 1.  To thank God, press 2.  To petition God, press 3. (Nathan makes his selection.) Thank you for petitioning God.  Your prayer is important to us.  Please hold for the next available operator.  (Sing silly hold music for a moment) There are (robotified pronunciation) 214 million prayers ahead of you. Your prayer is important to us, please continue to hold.  (Sing silly hold music for a moment) There are (robotified pronunciation) 108 million prayers ahead of you.  Your Prayer is important to us, please continue to hold. (Sing silly hold music for a moment) Your Prayer is important to us, please continue to hold.

(Nathan begins to look a little bit irritated. Lights come up stage right on Kate, who is seated at desk in front of a computer. She is wearing a telephone headset.)

KATE: Thank you for calling (sings) 1-800-ASK-JESUS.  Ask and you SHALL receive!  How can I help you today, Mr. Krupa? 

(Nathan looks a little shocked)

NATHAN: Wow, y’all sure know a lot about me!

KATE: Of course, we do.  You’ve had an account for a long time.  It seems that it was inactive for a while.  Hmm.  Quite a while.  Wow.  Well, it’s up to date now.  How can Jesus help you today?

NATHAN: I’m really struggling at work and think that it’s time for a new job.  I just don’t enjoy it the way I used to.

KATE: Oh, I hear that a lot.  Let me take a look and see what we can do. (Pauses) Now I’m showing this job is an answer to a previous prayer.  Are you aware of that? 

NATHAN: (Somewhat abashed) Well, yeah.  And I really enjoyed it for a while.  I’m just bored, I want something new.  You know, something more exciting.

KATE: I’m seeing a number of requests on your account for a new job.  You want to do something exciting. 

NATHAN: Yeah.

KATE: Something challenging. 

NATHAN: Yeah!

KATE: Something glamorous.

NATHAN: OH, YEAH!!

KATE: SOMETHING AWESOME!!!

NATHAN: THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!!

KATE: Ohhhh, I’m afraid that an alert just popped up on my screen. 

NATHAN: What.  What is it?

KATE: Pride.  It appears that you have quite a problem with pride.  Wow.  And here’s another big problem . . . you’ve prayed “And lead us not into temptation” at least 10,000 times.  So, we can’t give you a job that would tempt you to pride. 

NATHAN: Can’t’ you do SOMETHING about that? 

KATE: I’m going to have to check with my supervisor. Can you hold just a minute? (Hold music kicks in)

CRAIG (Robot Voice): Your prayer is important to us.  Please continue to hold. At 1-800-ASK-JESUS we guarantee that every prayer will be answered.  Just remember, no IS an answer. (Hold Music.) 

KATE: Thanks for holding. I checked with my supervisor, and he told me that I just can’t lead you into temptation.  On the bright side, he also said that the prayers for an awesome job are valid.  So, he looked at your account and we think that we’ve found a way to answer your prayers.

NATHAN: GREAT!   What is it?

KATE: Humility.  You’re going to have to start asking for humility.

NATHAN: Humility?  But I’m the most humble person I know.

KATE: Well, ACTUALLY, according to my system, you’re only slightly more humble than the average professional athlete.

NATHAN: OOOH.  That’s bad, isn’t it.

KATE: Real bad.  Not politician or rockstar bad but . . .

NATHAN: You know what, forget about it.  Maybe I like my job more than I thought.  I can probably just stick where I am, thanks.

KATE: Are you sure?  This new job is going to be super awesome. 

NATHAN: How awesome?

KATE: Beyond your wildest dreams.  Eye has not seen, nor ear heard the glory that God has planned for you.  It’s perfect for you.

NATHAN: Can you tell me what it is?

KATE: I’m sorry but doing that would tempt you to pride.  You’ll just have to trust me. 

NATHAN: Just a little hint?

KATE: How about this:  The name of your new job begins with. . . a letter. 

NATHAN: Wow. Not helpful.

KATE: I’m telling you though, looking at the job description even makes me excited.  It’s gonna be more than worth the effort.

NATHAN: OOOOH!  Hard decision.  I really would like that new job. How hard is could it be to grow in humility?

KATE: That’s the spirit!  We have two options for you to choose to help you grow in humility.  Would you like suffering or service. 

NATHAN: My options are suffering or service.  (Deadpan) Wow, that sounds exciting.

KATE: I am seeing a third option.  How would you like to try the (Announcer voice) ‘crucible of humiliation’?  Oooh, that even SOUNDS scary.

NATHAN: Isn’t there some way that I could skip all that work and you just give it to me for free?

KATE: I’m sorry, I’m getting a little static on the line.  Did you say you’ll take ALL THREE?

NATHAN: NO! That’s not what I said!!

KATE: I’m still having trouble hearing you.  Did you say that you wanted me to GO AHEAD?

NATHAN: WAIT!  WAIT!  WAIT!

KATE: OK, I think it’s GREAT too.  I’m so excited for you.  We call this the St. Francis Package.  (Strikes her keyboard with enthusiasm as if hitting the enter key on a big order) Suffering, service, and the Crucible of Humiliation are on their way.  You’ll be humble as a friar in no time. Then you’ll be ready to move into the awesome new job we have prepared for you.  

NATHAN: Oh. Lord, have mercy.

KATE: Don’t worry, He will!

NATHAN: Thanks.

KATE: It was my goal for you to be VERY SATISFIED with the level of service I’ve provided today.  Have I accomplished that?

NATHAN: I guess so.

KATE: Thank you for calling (Sings) 1-800-ASK-JESUS!