Why Masturbation is Ruining Your Sex Life (and What To Do About It)
By Nathan
For at least the last generation, the public opinion about masturbation is that it is not just acceptable but excellent. I wholeheartedly disagree. But I’m not going to talk about how masturbation is a mortal sin. Our culture doesn’t care much about sin these days, so that isn’t the best place to start.
Instead, I’m going to point out how it ruins your sex life. Sex is one of God’s best ideas. In Genesis, the creation of man and woman is the only thing described as ‘very good’. The creation of the Sun was merely ‘good’. That points out how awesome sex is. So, it’s important to avoid a bad habit, like masturbation, that will rob you of any of that goodness.
There is room for a whole other post about how lovemaking should only be done within the context of a marriage that is open to life. That’s not today’s topic, but everything I say about lovemaking should be understood with that in mind. I’m also talking about this from a man’s perspective because that’s the one I understand.
You Play Like You Practice
It’s a well-known idea in sports that your level of play when you practice determines your level of play at game time. You might get a little burst of adrenaline from the crowd when an actual game starts, but if you are used to practicing at 50% effort, your coach can’t expect to get more than 50% performance on the field when it counts.
Masturbation trains your body to perform poorly during sex. Generally speaking, the goal of masturbation is to climax as quickly as possible, which trains your body to climax quickly, after which sexual arousal disappears almost immediately.
This is not good physical training for lovemaking, which should enjoy a more leisurely pace. Women tend to get aroused and climax more slowly than men, so the habit of masturbation can lead to frustration in a marriage.
The only way to train for leisurely lovemaking is by doing so with your wife. It takes a specific intention and a deliberate effort to slow down and focus your attention on her. Masturbation trains you to do the opposite, to speed up and focus exclusively on yourself.
Practicing sexual egoism is terrible for your sex life. If that’s the way you train, it will be very difficult if not impossible to do otherwise when you’re being intimate with your spouse.
Resisting the urge to masturbate will have the opposite effect and increase your level of sexual self-control. Random moments of sexual arousal happen, but if you develop the contrary habit of waiting for the arousal to dissipate without acting on it (yes, I fully understand how difficult this can be), you’re training your body and mind that immediate gratification is not the goal. This will translate into more self-control in lovemaking.
Discipled in Abuse
A second problem that accompanies masturbation is the use of pornography. Pornography trains men to think of women as sexual objects and your wife will know it when you treat her like one. SHE knows that she is not an object and will not like being treated like one.
Beyond the problem of objectification is the way that sexual acts are depicted in pornography. Let’s start with the fact that an unknown percentage of pornographic videos depict actual rapes. It is a well-known fact that sex trafficking supplies many of the women shown, who are forced to participate against their will. Or perhaps they’re high and barely aware of what is going on. Watching videos of rape doesn’t train you to be a lover, it teaches you to be a rapist.
Beyond that, pornographic videos and images train you to think about the sexual act in abusive ways. A great deal of pornographic content is violent and degrading to women. Women are forced into unnatural positions and made to do things that are painful, gross, and even unsanitary.
These kinds of videos will train you to fantasize about sexual situations where you are sexually abusing another person. You might not think of it as abuse, because you’re just replaying versions of what you’ve seen in videos. The videos tend normalize the abusive behavior they depict . But the abuse you see in the pornography will then form the way you treat your spouse during sexual acts and she won’t enjoy it. Sexual abuse is one of the most devastating forms of abuse, and it will have a destructive impact on your marriage.
The opposite of the abuse mentality that is shaped by pornography is a loving, relational approach. Your wife is a person. Talk to her about what she likes and dislikes. It will be unique to her. Listen to what she says. Stop doing anything she dislikes, even if you like it. Don’t be like the TV dad who gives his wife a new barbecue smoker for her birthday so he can make the smoked brisket he loves.
Cultivating Bad Attitudes
A final way that masturbation ruins your sex life is the way that it shapes your attitude about sex. There’s a saying that I’ve heard from my friend the psychiatrist that really stuck with me. “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” What this means is that you bring the mindset that you have during masturbation into sexual activity with your spouse.
Think about your mindset before, during, and after masturbation. Is it one of generosity, attentiveness to another person, and self-giving? Or is it boredom, distraction, loneliness, selfishness, frustration, isolation, fear… the list of negative emotions goes on and on.
When you have cultivated the habit of masturbation, you can’t help but bring these attitudes into your sex life. Neurons that fire together wire together. It’s a biological fact. There’s nothing you can do about it.
Perhaps the core bad mental practice that you bring from masturbation into your sex life is sexual fantasizing. The brain is one of your sex organs and the fantasies you cultivate in your imagination have a powerful effect on your physical body. The problem is that your focus on fantasy will prevent you from focusing on your spouse.
You only have so much attention. The human brain isn’t really built for multitasking. You can’t pay attention to both your wife and the fantasy that you’re stirring up in your imagination. As a result, sexual fantasy will be disruptive to your lovemaking. Your attention will wander away from your wife and back into the recesses of your mind. It breaks the unity that is supposed to be so very good.
As difficult as it may be, working to break the habit of sexual fantasizing can be a great blessing to your sex life. Great sex is the fruit of a great relationship. Learning to love, to focus your attention on your spouse is the best possible way to train your brain for great sex.
And this reaches beyond the bedroom. Attentiveness to my wife’s needs in other areas of life will bear good fruit in our sexual relationship. When I wash the dishes and help care for the kids, when I listen attentively to something that she wants to share with me, when I do something thoughtful that I know she will love, I am cultivating a habit of attentiveness to my wife and her needs. The practice of attentiveness will not only build my relationship with my wife, but it will also help me cultivate the skill of being attentive which is so essential for good lovemaking.
Virtue Means Manliness
Breaking the habit of masturbation is a virtue; that is to say that it is manly. One of my favorite proverbs is, “Greater is the man who can conquer himself than the one that can conquer cities.” (Proverbs 16:32) This points out that breaking this habit is real battle, but one that leads to self-mastery.
Conquering oneself means finding real freedom. I can choose to do or not do something based on what I think is right and good, rather than being swept away by the currents of my emotions. When I have conquered the habit of masturbation, that means that my sexual desires no longer control my actions.
But it’s hard to break a bad habit simply by willing it. I smoked cigarettes for a decade. I loved smoking so much that I smoked three packs a day at my peak. To break the habit, I had to keep two things in mind. I had to think about the evils that I was avoiding (lung and mouth cancer, stinking like a smoker, massive expense, stained teeth and fingers) and the good that would come from it (more strength and stamina, extra money, sense of taste and smell would return, freedom from cravings).
In addition to the right mindset for change, I also needed the help of grace. We are not alone in the battle for self-mastery, because we have heavenly help like prayer and the sacraments, as well as earthly help like accountability.
Like kicking smoking, conquering the habit of masturbation is a battle for self-mastery. The craving and desire will be real, and it is intense at first. But you are not simply a smart monkey ruled by your desires. You are a man and have the capacity to freely choose to do a difficult good thing rather than an easy and pleasurable bad thing. Training that capacity and using it to become a better lover for your wife is one of the most manly things that you will ever do.
Jesus snatched me out of the darkness and saved me from complete madness. If you want to hear more of that story, check out Demoniac, now available on Amazon.
